


Need to be Youthfully Felt

by imbellarosa



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: F/M, Light Angst, M/M, No Fluff, im really ready for someone to spell it out for them okay, in which penny is all of us and i try my hand at comedy, past q/a
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 09:01:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18465754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imbellarosa/pseuds/imbellarosa
Summary: “It’s not enough to love the idea of us, Q,” she says after a pause. “I mean...maybe it’s enough for a flower, but it’s not enough for me. I...I’m a good person, Q. And yes, I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’m smart, and I’m strong, and I’m a powerful magician, and I’ve done a lot of good, too, and I know that you know that, in theory, but there’s a huge difference between theory and believing in it. You don’t believe in us, and you don’t love us. And I - I deserve better than that.“The world is so big, Q. I mean - okay, so I’ve only really been to Modesto, and the Mirror World, but - my God. There’s so much life out there, so many people. And one of them has to be able to love me. And it’s not you. And I wish it was, I’m not going to pretend that I don’t, but it’s not and I have to be okay with that.”





	Need to be Youthfully Felt

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i'm just super ready for someone to spell it out for everyone and i think it should be penny. The title is from a random title generator, and it happened to fit perfectly.

“I just want to say something,” Alice says into the silence as they sit and hold ice packs to their heads and look out of the massive apartment windows. “And I don’t want you to say anything until I’m done, okay?”

“Okay,” Q glances at her and quickly looks out the window again.

She sighs and folds her hands in her lap, then uncurls them and places them out in front of her. Q doesn’t even look at her. 

“It’s not enough to love the idea of us, Q,” she says after a pause. “I mean...maybe it’s enough for a flower, but it’s not enough for me. I...I’m a good person, Q. And yes, I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’m smart, and I’m strong, and I’m a powerful magician, and I’ve done a lot of good, too, and I know that you know that, in theory, but there’s a huge difference between theory and  _ believing in it _ . You don’t believe in us, and you don’t love us. And I - I deserve better than that.

“The world is  _ so big _ , Q. I mean - okay, so I’ve only really been to Modesto, and the Mirror World, but - my God. There’s so much life out there, so many people. And one of them has to be able to love me. And it’s not you. And I wish it was, I’m not going to pretend that I don’t, but it’s not and I have to be okay with that.”

He knows what she’s saying. She’s saying that she doesn’t want to be with him, wouldn’t choose him either. His heart is not broken. Maybe it should be. 

“I - I still want you to be a part of my life, Alice,” he says, and he sounds so sad, so worn down. She wants to tell him that wishing and wanting is not enough. Ideas and half-baked promises are not enough. She wants to grow upwards, she wants it with the part of her that fears the world and the part of her that trusts herself. 

“I want that, too,” she says. “But not like this. I don’t...I’m not an idea. I’m a person. A real, living, breathing person who cares about you.”

“For fuck’s sake.”

Both Q and Alice jump at the sound of Penny’s voice. Neither of them had seen him come in. Then again, he could have just  _ poofed  _ in, so. There’s that.

“Really,” he rolls his eyes. “This shit again? Like...we’re kind of in the middle of a crisis right now.  _ And you _ ” - he gestures violently in Quentin’s direction - “you’ve been on our asses for  _ weeks  _ about saving Eliot and helping the monster and now what? You’re gonna let it go because it’s hard, or because we have less of a shot? Fuck that, man.

“And.  _ And _ ,” he continues, and by this point he’s waving his arms so wildly that Q thinks they might fall off. He’s got in on good authority that arms do that sometimes. “If you wanna stay in each other’s life so bad, then be  _ friends _ . Not having a partner for like five seconds isn’t gonna kill either of you. It might even do you some good. Grow the fuck up.”

“What do you think we’re trying to  _ do _ ,” Quentin shouts back. “But life isn’t all peaches and plums, okay? It’s...it’s fucking hard. And people aren’t always who you think and. And sometimes you just have to accept it, okay?”

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” Penny says, “because this isn’t the conversation I’m having with you and it sure as shit’s not the conversation  _ she’s  _ having with you. Dude, she’s telling you that she wants to be your first choice, and that she wants you to choose who she is, and you know what you’re saying? You’re saying that you won’t because  _ oh well that’s life _ . Fuck that, dude. She deserves better than that.”

“I can speak for myself, Penny,” Alice interjects. “But he’s right. I do. And” - Q can see her wondering if she should say what she wants to or not. She sets her jaw. She’s going to say it. - “what does peaches and plums even  _ fucking  _ mean? The monster said it, too, when we bled the stone and I just - I think I’m missing something and I think it’s important, and you don’t have to tell me, but you do have to be  _ honest  _ with me, because I love you. Or...I could love you. I don’t - I don’t know. But Penny’s right. You can’t walk away from something because it’s hard or because you’re scared. The Q I know wouldn’t do that.”

“Maybe I’m not -,” Quentin breaks off, realizing that he’s yelling. “Maybe I’m not the Q you know.”

“Oh my God,” Penny can’t hold his tongue anymore. “Look, in my timeline, you guys loved each other, but that was like, three years and several shit shows ago. Things happen. You guys aren’t like - Written In The Stars, or anything. Like, maybe if my Quentin hadn’t lost his shade and you guys got to...I don’t even know. Maybe you wouldn’t have worked out. Or maybe you wouldn’t have! What the fuck do I know? But I  _ do  _ know that these monsters are possessing people we care about. And we don’t have time for you guys be acting like you’re in some middle school _Twilight-style_  love triangle.”

“You’ve read Twilight,” Quentin asks, skeptically. 

“ _ Not the point, dude _ .”

“Wait,” Alice stands up. “Love triangle? What are you talking about?”

“Holy shit,” Penny looks between them, “ _ where have you been all this time, girl? _ He’s, like,  _ gone _ for Eliot.”

“I- I didn’t say that,” Quentin steps in quickly, holding his hands up and trying to get Alice’s attention.

“Okay,” Penny comes closer. “First of all, your wards are shit. Like...you’re psychically projecting your broken heart all over the fucking city. Second of all,  _ I have eyes _ ?  _ I’ve been here this whole goddamn time _ ? Anyone who’s seen half of the shit you’ve put up with over this last few months would be able to tell that something was up.”

“I - I think I should have seen this one coming,” Alice whispers. And she stands stone still for half a second, and then she starts laughing. Like, a full belly laugh, complete with a snort she does only when she’s really lost it. 

“Oh my God. Okay,”  she tries to breathe and then loses it all over again. “Fuck you, Q. I mean, I love you, but  _ fuck you _ .”

“I - I think I’m confused,” Quentin sits back down on the windowsill.

“I thought - I thought things were still weird because you weren’t sure that you could trust me, and like, I understood that, because what I did was awful. I thought that if I gave it more time, it would get better - go back to what it used to be. But this  _ is  _ what it used to be, isn’t it? It’s awkward and  _ weird _ and you’re  _ still _ cheating on me with Eliot. And I can’t blame Eliot because he’s not even  _ here _ .”

“I - you’re right,” Q shrugs and he sits down and slumps his shoulder. “You do deserve better. Alice, you deserve someone that  _ really loves you _ . And I - I want to. Or I want to want to. Because - for a lot of reasons, I guess. Some of which I don’t really get. But I - I do want you in my life. I meant that.” 

“I meant that too,” she says, no longer laughing. She sits down beside him.

“Oh my  _ fucking  _ God,” Penny looks at them like they’ve lost their minds. “It’s called  _ friendship _ . Like. I want Margo in my life, but I don’t want to bang her. You know that you can have deep and meaningful relationships without wanting to  _ be  _ with them, right? If not, I had more competition with Julia than I thought.”

“Okay, can you just - can you go for a minute,” Q looks at him. “Can we just. Get a second to figure this out?”

“ _ No _ ,” Penny says. “Because  _ we need to save Julia _ . And Eliot. And the  _ whole fucking world _ , and when we do, you will have all the seconds you need to figure this fucking mess out. But for right now, there are more important things to do.”

Quentin breathes, and he thinks, and he imagines a garden with flowers blooming and dying.  _ The beauty of all life _ , he thinks. It ebbs and flows and lives and dies, and it’s hard, but wishing has never once brought anything into existence. He thinks of the woman in front of him, and how he had once loved her with everything he had, and he imagines a blue forget-me-not. And then he sees an orchid, and it is orange and purple and they bloom side by side, and he thinks that you cannot find keys with forget-me-nots. 

“You’re right,” he tells Penny. “Let’s finish this.”

He makes eye contact with Alice, and holds out his hand. She nods and takes it. Penny sighs.

“Great. Glad we’ve all grown up. Can we go kill these monsters now?”

When they open their eyes, they’re back in the library. Quentin breathes in, and something clicks into place. Time to get to work.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if you liked it! Comments and kudos mean the world to me. Alternatively, you can come say hi at imbellarosa.tumblr.com or on my NEW MAGICIANS SIDEBLOG (WOOHOOO) mendingsminor.tumblr.com. Thank you <3 <3


End file.
